Gone Sailing

Nasty Names, Hocus Pocus, and Really Bad Puns

When we bought our sailboat, it came with the most inane and inappropriate moniker (which I can NEVER EVER pronounce again for fear of dooming the boat to Neptune's depths) glued to the hull in an electric-blue vinyl stencil.  In an ugly font.    A LARGE ugly font.

As I stood in my driveway, armed with a hot air gun and nail polish remover, struggling to remove the nasty name off the boat's hull, a neighbour and fellow sailor hurried over to warn me of the peril of my actions.

"You can't change the name!  You'll be cursed!  You'll have nothing but bad luck forever!"

Apparently, sailors are a superstitious lot.  And I wasn't buying it.  I mean...it was a really horrible name! I was willing to tempt fate to change it.  I was willing to stand toe to toe with Neptune, shake my fist in his face and dare him to curse my boat!  But, (just in case) I googled "how to safely rename your boat".  

After being warned again of the perils of changing a boat's name, I found some helpful advice that recommended a bit of hocus pocus that would protect the boat from Neptune's wrath.  It involved destroying all traces of the original name, reciting an incantation, and sacrificial champagne - lots and lots of champagne.

With that done, the real job began - deciding on a new name. Not an easy feat.  Some of our considerations were La Dolce Vita, Carpe Diem, and Bella Kara (it was during my Italian phase) before finally deciding on the name Interlude (even though one friend told me it sounded too Tiger Woodsy).  Well...phwwwttt to her.

Okay.  Maybe it's a bit cheesy.   But I prefer to think of it as following the sailors' tradition of choosing romantic names for their boats, like Serenity, Windsong and Gypsy Dancer.

Power boaters, on the other hand, seem to prefer using really bad puns as names.  And you know I  love really bad puns.  Here are some of my favourites:

Then there's the tradition of naming your boat after your lover:

Ahem....

So, what's your favourite boat name?  

2011 Blogher Voices of the Year - CPR For My Battered Hope

Hope.  It's a very small word that carries such enormous weight.  It sustains us as we attempt to reach for our dreams and nourishes us whenever fear and despondency threatened to deter us from our path.  It begins as a sparkly thing, an effervescent bubble bright and shiny with optimism and naivety.  But Rejection occurs.  Criticism. Dejection. Frustration.  Obstacles are thrown in our path.  Our work is discounted, diminished.  Hope becomes battered.  Bruised.  Tarnished.

Anyone who has attempted to forge a career as a writer will understand this Hope I describe.  Piles of rejection letters from publishers, harsh critiques, and months (or years) of hard work for naught is the life of the struggling writer.  So when recognition for our work occurs, it acts as CPR, filling our dulled and deflated hope with buoyancy.  Here's what my Hope looks like today:

http://www.faqs.org/photo-dict/phrase/691/soap-bubble.html

Yes.  My Hope has just received some much needed CPR.  Today I learned I was named a 2011 Blogher Voice of the Year in the Life category for my post My Sister is Velma Dinkley.  It is enough to sustain me through a mountain of rejection letters!

Here's the link for the award:  http://www.blogher.com/announcing-2011-blogher-voices-year

Pop on over to read some excellent posts by the other Honorees.

A Bit of Gallows Humour

I've got nothing against rainbows, puppy dogs and home-made cherry pies - I mean, I enjoy a good "warm & fuzzy" just as much as the next person - but when it comes to my funny bone I have a definite lean towards the horrific, the ghoulish, and the outlandish. Assuming that I'm I'm not alone in my perversion towards dark comedy, I'd like to share with you some of my favorite Gallows Humour.  But be warned - it's not for the faint-of-heart.  So are you up for it?

*************

A doctor, a chemist, and an engineer were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. So the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".

*************

When I die, I want to go out like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep, 

unlike his passengers who died screaming.

*************

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.  The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

*************

So did any of these make you giggle?  My favourite's the Gallow Trampoline with its wicked blend of horror and silliness.  

Family Wins Lottery and Friend Slowly Recovers

Oh man!  Where to begin?  I guess I'll start with a confession/apology - blogging is a WHOLE lot easier during the long Canadian winter when I have nothing else to do.  But in my defence, I've lived a whole lifetime in this past week!  I'll try to give you a synopsis, but I forgot my camera (actually I've misplaced it's memory card) so I've had to pilfer the photos from others.

It began last Thursday when I drove my sister to a doctor's appointment.  Those of you who don't know the history can find it  here.  She was given an A-O-kay and they removed the IV pic line through which she has been fed antibiotics every 6 hours for the last 6 weeks.  Yeah!

When I arrived home, I noticed our street was lined with cars, and music and laughter was erupting from our neighbour's back yard.  I was met by a very excited husband who had been waiting on pins and needles to give me the news - our good friends from across the street had won the lottery!  THEY WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY!  One million dollars!  $1,000,000.00!  (I know I'm repeating myself, but it's fun to type all those zeros.)  Suffice it to say, it was a hell of a party.

I've got some better photos of some of the partyers posing naked behind the cheque later in the evening, but this isn't that kind of blog. 

Friday was Canada Day, a national holiday, and my husband & I and two really BIG hangovers headed for the beach with our son for a day of sailing.

Grand Bend was jammed-packed full of party-goers.  The thousands lining the beach were entertained with live music and the water was full of speedboats, jet-skiers, wake-boarders and sail boats.  That evening, hundreds of boats anchored off the beach to watch the fireworks.

The next day was our yacht club's yearly regatta, and although we headed out to watch the start, we couldn't compete because we were invited to our friend's son's Stag & Doe/pig roast where we had a grand time catching up with some old friends.  We were really enjoying ourselves until the storm clouds rolled in and someone shouted over the P.A. system "grab your belongings and take cover!"

It's okay.  We all made it out alive.  But it was dramatic!

Sunday, we awoke to clear skies and headed off for more sailing.  We spent a perfect day on the water - fair winds and calm seas.   After an afternoon of sailing, we headed back in to port and discovered yet another great surprise waiting for us on the docks - our daughter who had been away touring Europe for the past few weeks!

By this time, the wind had died (which ALWAYS happens when Megan is around!) but she wanted to be on the water so we heaved ho and motored down to the Pinery Provincial Park where we went in to a deserted beach and anchored for a swim.

This is me on a giant piece of driftwood at the Pinery Beach.  It is a tiny photo because I'm wearing my bikini and NO ONE is allowed to see me in my bikini except for my immediately family.  

So...that's what I've been up to.   What about you?  Did you have a nice Canada Day?

Time For Some Flag Waving

Today is a national holiday in Canada when we celebrate the birth of our country.   So I'm using the nifty Scheduled Post option which means that when this post appears on my blog, I'll actually be away sailing and enjoying the holiday.

I'm also taking a break from writing today and I'm going to let the Canadian poet Shane Koyczan do my flag waving for me.  Enjoy!

Happy Birthday, Canada!